I'm in college now, living in the dorms and barely getting by
classes are hard, girls are mean, and life is busy.
I'm learning and experiencing more than I bargained for.
but life continues on, in that slow drumbeat called breath,
and I deal with the obstacles thrown my way.
I've no time for writing or singing and I'm losing it a bit.
I'm glad to have gotten away, but surprisingly,
I'm missing my home, what is farmiliar to me.
I miss my bed, my walls, my pillow, my record player,
everything I couldn't take with me.
I'll go home soon and remember why I left.
but for right now I can't see any of that and just want to lay on my bed
close my eyes, and have sleep wash over me in the comfort
of the farmiliar.

I've been thinking about a lot lately, and I've noticed I have been changing.
for the good though, I believe.
I'm becoming more open, less out spoken, more reserved, and less
judgemental. the black and white that coated every situation
is now fading to soft hues of grays and I'm beginning to see
happiness where I hadn't before. strange, isn't it?
I guess everyone changes in the end.
whether you intend for it to happen or not, everything changes.
life moves on and so does everyone else.
you have to always move fast to keep up with the rotating
world of change. it'll make your head spin and keep you up at night
but it's what we have been given and what we have to deal with.
it's better than giving up and shutting everything out, isn't it?

I'm nineteen now, by the way.
and I feel old. and different.
everything, everyone, changes.
so do I.

-set the record straight;-

I’m taking a ride off to one side
it is a personal thing.
where?
when I can’t stand
up in this cage I’m not regretting.

I don’t need a better thing,
I’d settle for less,
it’s another thing for me,
I just have to wander through this world
alone.

stop before you fall
into the hole that I have dug here,
rest even as you
are starting to feel the way I used to,
I don’t need a better thing
just to sound confused
don’t talk about everyone,
I am not amused by you.

because I’m gonna lose ya,
yes, I’m gonna lose ya
if I’m gonna lose ya.

because I’m gonna lose ya,
yes, I’m gonna lose ya.
if I’m gonna lose ya,
i’ll lose ya now for good.

i heard a story once, of a kid who never knew
who never thought to ask, who never wanted to try
who never thought to listen to what you were trying to say.
a kid who only thought they knew what they wanted
but realized that in the end, it was all a figment of imagination.
a kid who knew what they wanted until they got it.
a kid who thought they loved someone then pushed them away
because they thought they were getting too close
but deep down knew that they were just afraid of the closeness.
a kid who found out too late that life isn't so hard, doesn't have to be.
a kid who grew up too fast, who never had a chance to be a teenager.
a kid who struggled to see the good in those who had never done them
wrong or any harm but were so shrunken by the world that they
refused to see good in anything, anyone, at all.
a kid who wished for things she didn't have but thought she wanted.
a kid who thought she knew who her friends were but was wrong.
a kid who found friends in the people she thought weren't worth it,
but they turned out to be worth more than her own life. twice.
a kid who wanted to be more than a statistic, more than a rumor,
more than another teenage waste, more than another highschool grad,
more than a college grad, more than a mother, more than anything,
wanted to be something that changed someone.
a kid who merely wanted to make a difference,
but couldn't find the right words to say in time.

i never meant to push you away. i'm sorry.